I've started writing this on Tuesday morning at 7:08am. There was light as I woke and left my warm bed at 6:32; I can hear birds and there is more light... spring is coming.
But this isn't a post about spring coming, this is just a quick post to self, that I shall likely expand on in a proper post at a later date as there's a few factors I could go into in wayyyyy more detail.
I'm not a personal body hater, and I count myself lucky as being in the staggeringly small portion of women who aren't always looking for their faults and berating themselves due to the ideals other people (read media) place upon us.
I've nearly always tried to nurture this mentality, I think growing up for the major part of my childhood in a house as the only female with two very manly men as my guide did it. My brother and dad always maintained that anyone, but women especially, just need to hold their head high, be confident and stand tall and any few body wobbles could just bloody wobble off.
However, with that said, there is a reason I needed this little better and healthier mental reasoning to add to my personality and traits, because I've always carried a few extra pounds that those slim folk. I do not naturally, by appetite and greed, and by body shape, have a svelte body.
This doesn't phase me, and I try so hard to maintain my very strong body positive head. I make sure I bloody well tell it to my customers also when they're umming and ahhing because we only use semi milk and not skimmed. Girls and boys - do not fret over every minor detail - just enjoy your food and drink!
Not comes the anomaly fact though. The conflicting thing that is making me feel, well, conflicted in light of this mindset I am damn well trying to nurture! Can I say I maintain this view when right now, even though I know that weight is just a number, but that weight is the highest it's ever been. Like actual highest.
Yet ironically I feel my best right now too.
Feeling my best comes from finally nailing some liner skills, and from dressing in items I love.
It comes from having read some cracking blog posts that reiterate all that pressurised media shit I believe we're getting pushed on us.
And it comes from being a bit more grown up and realising that there truly is just one life.
But mostly, it comes from inside, from being happy in my day to day life.
So all this makes for me feeling great inside my skin... but I have a pair of jeans I love, and a skirt or four I love, and this recent extra exuberance to my normal balance of eating the right amount of food and wayyyy too much food, which has laid on a few extra pounds has pushed those loved clothing items to their tightest.
And that... that is not OK. As it's making me a feel a bit squidged in... OK, honestly it's making me feel a lot squidged in.
[I have this like crop top, bra, vest thing that I like to wear rather than just a bra when at home and in leisure wear, and on Monday I was weighing up in my mind whether it was OK to wear that out the house because even my bra was feeling a bit too tight - I didn't in the end, I gave in to my rather tight bra, but the thought crossing my mind really made me stop and think!]
Now I could just admit defeat and buy bigger, but I don't want to as I know I can lose the few pounds playing culprit to my tighter fitting clothes IF I just put my mind to it, and eat a bit less, and drink a bit less some days, because yes, I have done this before.
But, that makes me feel a fraud for going against all the body positive vibes I love and want to channel...
But for the right now, I need to put my tight feeling clothes first.
So does this make me a fraud? Maybe. Does it feel like a personal conflict? Yes. Does it truly matter to anyone else though and should other people's views be more important than my own? No.
I'm jumping on a let's-make-my-skirt-and-bra-less-tight-wagon, realising I kinda must unless I'm willing to take myself on a big shopping mission soon. This is personal and I still stick to my views, they just feel a little conflicted right now.